Monday, June 12, 2006

Germanic Influence

HUAT-SIYO WER-KAP n.,adj. world cup fever

The heat here in London (and quite possibly, in Frankfurt) is comparable to Kuching in August! I can understand if those footballers found themselves hot, bothered, unable to make simple passes and incapable of running for the ball. But if they were paid a 6-figure salary a week, quite frankly, I do expect them to run and run and run till the last whistle, without complaint.

England's excuse for dropping their performance in the second half against Paraguay because of heat is equivalent to someone who failed their exams and blamed the classroom for not having air-conditioner (i.e. me, in 1993, Additional Maths). The school didn't pay me a 6-figure salary, so shame on you.


Have the English upset the Germans with this announcement?

The European Commission have just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase in plan that would be known as "EuroEnglish":

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"'s in the languag is disgrasful, and they should go away.

By the 4th yer, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.



Anonymous AJ said...

Original version:
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? He would chuck, he would, as much as he could, and chuck as much wood as a wood chuck would if a woodchuck could chuck wood.

"In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".." version:
How much wood would a woodshusk shusk if a woodshusk could shusk wood? He would shusk, he would, as much as he sould, and shusk as much wood as a wood shuck would if a woodshuck sould shuck wood.

June 12, 2006 7:28 PM  
Anonymous Laksa said...

"vug, ve hav loz ze ver kap..."

translation: fuck, we have lost the world cup...

June 13, 2006 11:08 AM  
Anonymous Hijackqueen said...

... ahem! World cup in hokkien is "seah kai kiu".

June 13, 2006 3:42 PM  

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