Monday, January 07, 2008

Cooking Oil Conspiracy/Konspirasi

CHAM adj. dire (e.g. of usage: cham is the day we have to produce cooking oil DIY-style.)


If I hear another word of election...

There I've said it. It is coming, like it/register or not. But unfortunately, the election timing is not so great for the ruling party. The Health Minister got exposed as Mr Room 1301; everything has a brice (br*b* + pr*c*) in Malaysia, even Mr Judge; and the economy is not doing that great despite all kinds of corridor announcements.

If I were the party spin doctor, I'll suggest the following options (to help them stay in power for the nth time)...

Option A:

Call off the general election. Explain to the rest of the world that many people still don't know which box to mark the 'X'.

Sadly, I know option A is highly improbable as it is currently unconstitutional to not hold an election.

Option B:

Stimulate the national economy, the rapid way. Like this...

We know that the Kuala Lumpur Composite Index or the licensed stock gambling index, is the benchmark for the country's economic health. If the numbers look good, therefore the economy must be great and Malaysians must have better lives than Singaporeans. But how do we improve KLCI numbers the fast way? By increasing cooking oil price!

Why cooking oil? Well, because most of them are made from palm oil. If you increase cooking oil price, then palm oil price will increase along with it.

And how would that influence KLCI numbers? Well, the index is the average figure given to the performance of 100 selected stocks in Malaysia. Currently, two oil palm plantation stocks represent more than 10% of the KLCI pie. So naturally, if you increase the palm oil price, you'll increase the stock price, hence the whole damn index!

How do we do it? Like this...

We pretend that we are short of cooking oil because there is little palm oil supply. We cite flooding and smuggling as reasons for palm oil and cooking oil shortage respectively. Do not ever mention that we are currently exporting our palm oil to China in record volumes. We then issue a notice to Giant and Carrefour hypermarts to allow only 5kg of cooking oil per person, yes... just 5kg.

This would create an illusion of scarcity. Then we infiltrate the news media, and get them to use the word ration liberally. People would soon forget that we as a country is in fact rich with any kind of oil. They would also be blinded by the fact that for the average household, 5kg of cooking oil could last them for months (and besides they can buy another 5kg of cooking oil if they bother to go back to the supermarket and queue up again). See we actually limit the purchase of cooking oil without any harm done.

But with words like rationing and "5kg only per person", people will soon rush out for cooking oil and actually cause a real shortage! But now the blame is squarely on the consumers.

You see, "5kg of cooking oil per person" is the key to win the election. Easy.

Okay, I am done with talking and answering my own questions. Of course, I just made up the 5kg cooking oil per person election winning theory. This sort of thing would and could never happen in our country....

Don't you just love fantasy?

2 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Actually, the govt dont have to use the cooking oil trick, why take so much trouble? In fact it can back fire and become another election issues, as if there are'nt enough swirling around in our beloved land. I mean who do up the KLCI? Economists? Statisticians? Stock consultants? Computer experts? Or all of them in cahoot? Unless the red ink on the graph plunges down to the floor, painting a rosy picture is a matter of cooking up the statistics with a wave of the magic wand. Whistleblower? Nah, they wouldnt dare, what with the govt use of ISA at the drop of a songkok. But nice try, sisuahlai, like your blog.

January 08, 2008 9:25 PM  
Blogger Nicocoa said...

u ah.. come and go like a ghost...

January 12, 2008 2:51 AM  

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