If Lingam wasn't the guy in that clip, then banana must be apple in Malaysia

KINCHIO n. banana
Link to Lingam's latest Youtube performance: Lingam Returns (panto part III).

My prediction about what Lingam was going to say in court was more or less right. Since he more or less denied the allegation that it could be him in that Youtube clip, we more or less know what would also follow: more denials from more or less everyone implicated in the panto.

If nobody admits to anything, then nothing can go wrong for the defense team. Congratulations Lingam.

We can expect a decidedly lenient outcome (if any) from the whole proceeding - at most, probably a mouthful from the sitting judges about what should or shouldn't be said by practising lawyers, even if done in jest. So what is the lesson here for the Malaysian public?

DENIAL IS ALWAYS THE BEST POLICY.

and now for something more positive and cheerful...

My favourite January Blogger

She's not even 20, but you couldn't tell that if you read her writing. But what impresses me most was her social and political commentary. She marched with Bersih. She lamented about the sorry state of KL nite cabbies and Polis DiRaja Malaysia. Quite frankly, I think she should stand as an independent in the next general election : ) Su Ann, I think you'll make a darn fine policitian. You can definitely communicate better than some of our Senior ministers.

To our Dear YAB ministers, pls expand your brain here: quaintly.net.

Don't ask too many questions please, we are Malaysians. (what!?!)

.... adj. speechless

The Star today reported: Malaysiakini journalist Syed Jamal Zahiid was detained for “asking too many questions” (during the inflation protest rally in KL). According to Jamal, all he had asked was on what grounds were the police arresting people.

Arrested for asking too many questions? What!?

How?

Why?

No way, really?

I cannot believe it... are you sure this is a valid reason for an arrest?

Really?

But why?

I'd better stop asking, I don't wanna risk being arrested. I cannot afford to miss work tomorrow. SSL.

Looks like a drunk idiot, sounds like a drunk idiot

"BEI-GI-la" adj. convenient forgetfulness

Hey, Lingam actually took my advice. Well, almost.


He approximately denied the allegation in court. He denied talking to (former Chief Justice Tun) Ahmad Fairuz over the phone in that Youtube clip. He claimed he could be drunk after a few glasses of wine. But what really gets me was this "Lingam lawyer" talk.

Asked if the person on that Youtube clip was him, instead of giving a normal, straight, non-retarded yes/no response, he had to say this...

"it looks like me, it sounds like me"

He said those words repeatedly when asked to commit if the person on the clip was actually him.

You know, if I gave this kind of answer to my elders when they asked me a simple yes/no question, I'd deserve a big, fat slap.

Lingam went on with his lawyer talk...

Lazar (counsel for the Malaysian Bar): Are you prepared to say you’re not the person in the clip?

Lingam: I’m not prepared to say that.

Lazar: So it could be you? It’s probably you. You’ve already said it looks like you. Do you know of anyone who looks and sounds like you?

Lingam: I do not know.

(source: The Star)

If I have a giant, magical hand with a super-reach and a powerful swing, you know whose face it will be on. Piang!

The gem that is Malaysian

HO-SEI adj. steady (example of usage: that guy can really do business, some more can be trusted. Damn hoi sei I tell you.)

I have posted blogs on Paolo Nutini, Lily Allen and Cansei De Ser Sexy, because I like their music and I admire them for being that little different from the rest. But if I had to put a Malaysian in that similar category, who would it be?

After several sessions of brain-storming, Google searching, Wikipedia-ing, Youtube surfing, plus several non-related arguments on MSNChat, I found my answer.

I initially wanted to say OAG (sorry to disappoint), and then I stumbled across this gem.

She has this ruggedness I find charming and yet sweet; you'll just want to hear what she has to say in her songs. I've never read about her talent and music in the printed media, but after seeing her on Youtube, I am convinced that her materials will soon be on the radio waves. Well, at least I think they deserved to be. And not contented on just playing the guitar and writing songs, the lady also finds time to blog. *you steady girl*

I wish her good luck, and her name is Ana Raffali.

Enjoy!

A truly Malaysian farce

Ghong-ghong adj. blur-blur

Did you notice? The Lingam Youtube clip was acted out by a truly Malaysian cast.

You have an Indian lawyer, talking to a Malay judge (allegedly), all caught on cam by a Chinese amateur (allegedly).

Remember the guy who was concerned that someone finally found out about corrupt practice in his Tourism Ministry? The same guy took the stand on the Lingam's case yesterday.

Our current Tourism Minister, Tengku Adnan, was mentioned in the Youtube clip. When asked by the court, this was what he said about Lingam's state of mind.

“I don’t know what he was saying. I believe it’s not true... I think he was mabuk (drunk). I don't know who he was talking to anyway.”

Good defence Tengku. Play ghong.

Now the whole country awaits Lingam's testimony. I think the only thing that will save him if he plays ghong also and denies the whole damn thing. He must not follow Chua Soi Lek's footsteps and admit what he was alleged of doing. He should say something along the line:

"I was just fooling around la. I had some drinks and pretend to talk to someone on the phone. Actually, there was nobody on the line. My phone was not even switched on! Ha ha. I was just main-main. The kid who videod me thought I was for real. Ha ha. I fooled him. You should see the look on the boy's face."

Whatever you say, I think you'll be fine, Lingam. Everyone that is high and mighty will be on your side.

Homage to the chic, the brave, the fusion, and the guai...

Weird adj. qi guai

I like chic. (the new macbook air)


I like the brave. (the asterisked)


I like fusion. (sony-pod)


And I definitely like the guai.


Help Alwyn and Samantha help the cause. I like their big hearts!

Sisuahlai, who the hell

TIN-TIAW n.,v. cane

I turn 2 this month.

Those 2 years didn't feel that long, but they have seen some good and some really, really awful Sisuahlai writing (true to form, you may say); the ones that people read half way, lost the blog plot and gave up completely.

There are also those who enjoy the Sisuahlai tin-tiaw. They come back for more helping of blog s&m.

(my sis got apprehended for carrying these through Changi Airport. Welcome back home sis!)

But the most interesting group of people are those who chance upon this blog from Google searches for "Kuching sex"; "C S Lek scandal/dvd"; "looking for Malaysian ladies"; "how to grow long eye-lashes for Chinese women"; "learn Hokkien". I think these group usually leave my site frustrated.

But Sisuahlai is not always sisuahlai 24/7. There are some entries that made me think, long after I wrote it. The sentences I used in those ones may appear too constructed. It appears so because it is. I think before I write, and I don't write the way I speak. Frankly, what matters most to me is conveying a simple message that sticks. I think it is a good thing I don't write the way I babble in real life. I don't think the general public can tolerate it.

Finally, I want to say this: I feel strongly about certain issues in our country. I don't like double standards. I don't like elitist race categorisation. I like meritocracy. I like people who can poke fun at themselves. I like char kuey teow. Seriously, people in our country has to be rewarded in proportion to the effort they put in, because we are all instinctively driven by reward for effort. If one removes that primeval element of reward-for-effort, we will end up creating a lacklustre and spirit-broken population. Nobody wants that either. **** speech ends.


Finally, finally... I look forward to sharing more random ideas and sisuahlai opinions with you.

And finally, finally, finally, I like to announce that I am officially on facebook, yahoo and msn, and my real name is...




Sisuahlai (2 years old)

Chiak lui

CHIAK LUI adj. what some government people are doing

Two Tourism officials are being probed for misusing tax-payers' money to produce a "tourism promotional" video. Some ringgit 850k had been awarded to a non-existent company, also known as friend's wallet. And here is the best (or worst, whatever, I have finally lost the ability to discern what's good or bad afterall):

The Tourism Minister appears to be concerned about how the story was leaked to the public, and to make matters more dubious, he blamed jealous colleagues for blowing the whistle!

What does the story tell us?

Government ministers would prefer a closed-door discussion to solve matters pertaining to tax-payers' money. Or, even better for the Ministry, if the matter was not discovered at all.

The article can be found here. Read it and weep....

And an interesting story to distract us from the real problems of our beloved country...

Faizal "mr semi monty" Tahir, the runner-up of One In a Million, is in hot water for an over-zealous performance on a recent live TV show. He thought publicly exposing himself was the best way to win attention. And boy, was he right.

Kua simik?

KUA SIMIK (or kua hamik) v. see what?

Sometimes, a clever comment needs to be repeated in print. Again. And again.

This one came from an espionage expert. With the ever vigilant Star media team around, the Chua Soi Lek story (and all its glorious spin-off stories) will never see the end of day.

Mr A Satar (or was it Mr Star?), the spy expert, said that one should hire a professional team to debug a room from any surveillance equipment, and not resort to cheap debugging devices.


His reason was this, "It’s always best to get the professionals to sweep the room or building for you. I doubt very much that a man in a hotel room with a woman is going to have his mind on debugging to even do the job properly."

Nice comment Mr Star. You are so right mister, a man could never do anything properly when a hot chick is in close proximity!

This has to be the best statement ever got printed in the Star this year.

I doubt very much that a man in a hotel room with a woman is going to have his mind on debugging to even do the job properly...

So obvious and yet so poignant.

Cooking Oil Conspiracy/Konspirasi

CHAM adj. dire (e.g. of usage: cham is the day we have to produce cooking oil DIY-style.)

If I hear another word of election...

There I've said it. It is coming, like it/register or not. But unfortunately, the election timing is not so great for the ruling party. The Health Minister got exposed as Mr Room 1301; everything has a brice (br*b* + pr*c*) in Malaysia, even Mr Judge; and the economy is not doing that great despite all kinds of corridor announcements.

If I were the party spin doctor, I'll suggest the following options (to help them stay in power for the nth time)...

Option A:

Call off the general election. Explain to the rest of the world that many people still don't know which box to mark the 'X'.

Sadly, I know option A is highly improbable as it is currently unconstitutional to not hold an election.

Option B:

Stimulate the national economy, the rapid way. Like this...

We know that the Kuala Lumpur Composite Index or the licensed stock gambling index, is the benchmark for the country's economic health. If the numbers look good, therefore the economy must be great and Malaysians must have better lives than Singaporeans. But how do we improve KLCI numbers the fast way? By increasing cooking oil price!

Why cooking oil? Well, because most of them are made from palm oil. If you increase cooking oil price, then palm oil price will increase along with it.

And how would that influence KLCI numbers? Well, the index is the average figure given to the performance of 100 selected stocks in Malaysia. Currently, two oil palm plantation stocks represent more than 10% of the KLCI pie. So naturally, if you increase the palm oil price, you'll increase the stock price, hence the whole damn index!

How do we do it? Like this...

We pretend that we are short of cooking oil because there is little palm oil supply. We cite flooding and smuggling as reasons for palm oil and cooking oil shortage respectively. Do not ever mention that we are currently exporting our palm oil to China in record volumes. We then issue a notice to Giant and Carrefour hypermarts to allow only 5kg of cooking oil per person, yes... just 5kg.

This would create an illusion of scarcity. Then we infiltrate the news media, and get them to use the word ration liberally. People would soon forget that we as a country is in fact rich with any kind of oil. They would also be blinded by the fact that for the average household, 5kg of cooking oil could last them for months (and besides they can buy another 5kg of cooking oil if they bother to go back to the supermarket and queue up again). See we actually limit the purchase of cooking oil without any harm done.

But with words like rationing and "5kg only per person", people will soon rush out for cooking oil and actually cause a real shortage! But now the blame is squarely on the consumers.

You see, "5kg of cooking oil per person" is the key to win the election. Easy.

Okay, I am done with talking and answering my own questions. Of course, I just made up the 5kg cooking oil per person election winning theory. This sort of thing would and could never happen in our country....

Don't you just love fantasy?

What to expect in 2008 (the complete guide)

THEE-IA v. listen

What can an average person like Sisuahlai expect in 2008? Let me share with you some of my predictions for the new year.


January: Amateur blogging is fast becoming an obsolete pastime. The in thing now is mogging. It involves running around the kitchen table chanting mong-mong-mong, or other incomprehensible words for the sole purpose of annoying the elders. But thankfully, the fad meets a quick death when the new season of American Idol starts (Jan 16). People return to their happy old ways, and congregate around the family LCD/plasma TV.

February: Eveybody's talking politics. The Star reporters have a field day unearthing more scandals involving senior politicians. This month, expect ministers getting caught making false promises on a grand scale. Also expect more feature-length DVD specials of politicians behaving like mortals, all caught on camera. Some techie idiots would be found ripping the DVDs and illegally uploading them on Youtube. The election date is set for next month, craftily chosen as to not coincide with the finale of the Amazing Race.

March: No surprises on election day. The same wrinkled faces emerge victorious, minus the last Health Minister. "Time to jack up prices" the winning government whisper. Motorists and rempits will start to feel the pinch. Petrol price goes up 2.25 a litre. The Star runs a story of a 5-year-old trying to ease the family's burden by pouring cooking oil into the car's petrol tank. The car fails to start and the kid is sent to the grandparents.

April: Economic turmoil. The growth corridors can not continue, as the ringgit can no longer pay the foreign workers' salaries. The migrant population leave and the country looks like unfinished jigsaw puzzle from Google Earth. The Prime Minister comes up with a quick-fix solution, pensioners are given extra incentives to retrain as construction specialists. The parliament concludes that Google Earth uses spy technology. Meanwhile, the government set up a new water company, called AnaksendIRi (AIR) or in Hokkien, Kakinarng, which specialises in bottling tap water and selling it to hypermarkets.


May: The country still looks like unfinished jigsaw puzzle. But nobody cares, because Liverpool suddenly emerges as favourite to take the EPL title. There is little urgency to finish the roads and build new offices. The country do not need them until the English football season is over.

June: Another military coup in a neighbouring country. Our country capitalise by rolling out red carpet for the ousted billionaires. A billionaire's son buys a State football team, and hires Steve Mclaren to coach them. A work permit is not granted initially. So the billionaire's son has little choice but to buy the immigration department also. Happy ending for everyone, now that everyone is richer.

July: Something scandalous happens. Nothing is formally reported. A cabinet minister returns home after one month living abroad; internet users frantically search for Youtube evidence. A famous Malaysian blogger allegedly has the inside scoop. His site is banned indefinitely. Life goes on as usual for the rest of us. The country "oh well" attitude prevails over good sense.

August: The Summer Olympics begins in the grandest fashion. China is destined to hold the best Games ever. The amount of gunpowder, fireworks and electricity consumed for the Opening ceremony alone is enough to power a country the size of Sri Lanka. But the month-end TV viewing figures reveal that people are really more interested in the Euro Football Championship in Austria/Switzerland.

October: The country comes home with one silver medal, the badminton men's doubles so nearly did it. They blame it on excessive badminton hall lighting. This month also sees the government renewing its interest in sending another guy into space; people soon forget about the country's gross under-achievement in sports. Plenty of TV time and news print column for the unmarried spaceman. He plans to conduct an experiment, titled Imagining Space Action (aka I.S.A.). This involves mental visualisation of severing oxygen supply to any dissenting cosmonauts.

September: More rain in the coastal region. The flooding situation is worse than last year's. Citizens are advised to avoid contaminated tap water and instead buy water that is certified and bottled by AIR. Buying frenzy ensues, one customer is allowed to buy a maximum of 5 litres of AIR water each time. Smart buyers circumvent this problem by buying 5 litres from different stores. Rogue traders start to bottle their own water and label them as AIR. Nobody knows what water they are drinking. All hell breaks loose.


November: Calm is restored. Six unauthorised AIR manufacturers are sentenced to 6 months of editing RTM1 shows. Three appeal for more lenient sentences citing poor eye-sight and hard of hearing. The judge rejects their request, and comments on the fact that those qualities are not so alien to those currently doing the RTM1 editing work.

December: US will now have a black American president. The country sends a congratulatory message, read out by the cosmonaut in space. He does a zero-gravity somersault at the end of his message to show his delight, but the Americans mistake it as an insult. "No one shows the US President his backside! We want him back on Earth," The US president spokesperson demand. The space crew comply and send the cosmonaut back to Earth.

"I.S.A you. I.S.A. you. I.S.A. you...." these are his famous last words as the cosmonaut leaves the International Space Station.