Chi Kua

CHI (KUA) v. to attempt, to try, to taste

PROF DR LIVING LEE CHAI PENG writes in The Star: Don’t stop them from trying.

"Let us reward those who succeed and encourage those who did not to try something else. Just please do not put the brakes on those who want to try".

Sisuahlai agrees: Those who don't succeed, try something else. If this guy can, YOU can.

Sisuahlai.

The New Malaysian Redundancy Arrangement

BO KANG adj.,n. no work

Have you ever been VSSed?

The Star reports: MAS will offer a Voluntary Separation Scheme (VSS) to 6,500 employees currently working on domestic routes the airline will no longer operate, MAS managing director Idris Jala said on Tuesday.

Lesson from America: Delta Airline workers lost their jobs and their sense of humour...

Sisuahlai.

Disaster at Work

No Sisuahlai posting until Wednesday...

Mourning the loss of a colleague...

Omega 3 Rubbish

HU n. fish

The British Medical Journal (25 March 2006 edition) finds that Omega 3 fatty acids do not prevent heart attacks or cut deaths from heart disease. The health benefits are not clear from the evidence so far, the researchers say.

According to the study, those who eat most fish tend to be people with healthier lifestyles. The effects of better eating and more exercise have not been sufficiently allowed for in previous Omega 3 studies.

So don't go rushing out to buy health supplements just because they say "GOOD FOR YOUR HEALTH" on the tin.

In fact, I can safely say, reading Sisuahlai is a lot healthier (and cheaper).

Forget about Omega 3, just eat more fish....

Official: The Star Is The Most Chiak Lat Malaysian Tabloid

TIAW KANG v.,n. "jump river"

Due to popular demands (and my lack of discipline), I am going to have to prematurely end this short break from slamming The Star. I could not resist it. How could you when they keep printing this kind of headline...

Official: Proton car prices may be reduced

Was that a deliberate typo? What was the official news? If that is an official confirmation, why use the word may?

Official: Bush may be dyslexic
Official: The Star may be a government agent

Can you spot the error? Am I being over-pedantic?

Bei tahan. Sisuahlai.

Extra:

If a you want a luxury car that badly, and cannot afford it despite the price drop, Sisuahlai's friendly mechanic, Ah Seng, can help you...

Cheaper Cars in Malaysia... good news or bad news?

CHIA n. car

The Malaysian Government has announced a new tax structure that will see car prices falling very soon- both imported and locally-assembled cars. Other important changes under the National Automative Policy include the abolishment of Approved Permits by 2011, and disallowing import and sale of sub-standard vehicles... (ahem, Kancil).

Now, is that good news or bad news for Malaysians? Do we really need cheaper cars?

Well, the good news is, this is an excellent opportunity to make a sound, and profitable investment. We must all invest in fuel and energy companies. With cheaper cars and higher fuel price, there is only one sure trend. Profits are virtually guaranteed in fuel/energy stocks. Sisuahlai made 110% profit in energy shares in 2005. So can you.

Well the bad news... my Ah Lian neighbour is going to get her mini-Ah Lian daughter a car for her 21st birthday.

Sisuahlai.

LONGINES LOOKING FOR AN AMBASSADOR

CHIU-PIO n. wrist-watch

Paula Malai Ali, the Malaysian host on Channel V’s The Ticket, is Longines’ sole Ambassador of Elegance in Malaysia.

Ambassador of Elegance? Huh?

Claude Jaunin, Longines’ regional sales manager says, “It is a jungle out there in the watch industry. A long time ago, we already decided the best method was branding through ambassadors. There are 3 levels; National Ambassador like Paula Malai Ali for Malaysia, Regional Ambassadors like Aaron Kwok and Carina Lau and International Ambassadors like Aishwarya Rai who has been with us for eight years.”

Check out the Longines site for other famous, elegant ambassadors. The list includes Audrey Hepburn and Humphrey Bogart.

How do you become a Longines’ ambassador? Do you really need to be famous and good-looking?





Claude, Sisuahlai knows a lot about the jungle. He is from Sarawak. Now can he be your Longines ambassador on the blogosphere? Give him a ring.

No, I'm being serious.

Sisuahlai. (This, by the way, is a free promo for Longines)


N.B. Paula, I was just playing. You weren't really wearing a Casio. But a Casio does look good on you too.

Hate Mails

LO v. to hate (pronounced low)

The site is 2 months old and after 8000 site hits, Sisuahlai wants to take a short break from slamming The Star. An ardent Star reader from Penang expressed her beh-songness at Sisuahlai saying "Sisuahlai comments are unhelpful; unconstructive; and missing the point".

Missing the point? Ok, I will aim more carefully next time...


And D., ok, ok, no more toilet jokes or stories... (for the next two blog entries)

Sisuahlai.

Strange marriage customs

TEH-KIN v. holding it back

Read this one, The Star: CAN you restrain yourself from clearing your bowels or urinating for three days and nights?

If you are thinking of marrying a member of the Tidong community, get permission from your bowels and bladder first. You can forget about it if you are a registered member of the incontinence society.

Tradition has it that members of this community, who originated in Kalimantan, Indonesia, prohibit newly-married couples from clearing their bowels or urinating for three days and nights, or from leaving their house during this time.

Now, we can deal with not leaving the house... but how do you control those biological urges for 72 hours?


I have the answer. For £7.99, I will dispatch it to your home address...

Sisuahlai. No need to teh-kin.

Sisuahlai Spring Collection

BO LIAW adj. uncool, unsophisticated

Sisuahlai's T-shirts are selling well, like selling laksa to English people.

These are some ideas for Spring 2006... an chua?






Damn kesi or damn bo liaw?

Sisuahlai. Go to Sisuahlai Shop.

Tia

TIA adj. hurt, painful

This must be one of the shortest articles ever published on Sisuahlai's favourite tabloid, The Star: PM: More corruption-related arrests made last year

In fact, don't bother to click on the link, because it only says...

A total of 485 corruption-related arrests were made last year, an increase of 43% from 2003, Prime Minister Datuk Seri Abdullah Ahmad Badawi said (on) Monday.

...which is a very interesting fact. What is the Prime Minister trying to say?

(1) He is tougher with corruption cases than Dr M.?

(2) Malaysia is getting "more corrupted"?

(3) No corruption cases in 2004?

Truth can sometimes hurt... Sisuahlai.

My Sabbatical

CHOI v. to search

I will be taking a 6-month career break later this year. I have so far achieved 200 days without holiday; and I have another 160 days to go. Mentally, I'm exhausted, but I think I can physically see out this hundred or so more days.

I am searching for things to do during this break, and would like to expand and use my "life" skills in other areas.

These are some of my ideas:

(1) Get myself involved in a medical expedition ie. delivering medical help to Peruvian kids

(2) Join Medecins Sans Frontieres ie. vaccinate African kids

(3) Enrol myself with the Californian Sexual Health Clinic and earn good $$$ doing check-ups on Porn stars

(4) Or stay at home blogging like a true bo su cho


Overworked. Sisuahlai. (just completed an 84-hour week!)

Hokkien Webnames... they are everywhere

The World Wide Web is abundant with websites- with Hokkien names! Sisuahlai is one example... (although, strictly speaking, sisuahlai is a Teochew word).

Check out these websites with Hokki-names:

SOO-KOO adj. stupid
This is a subscription site to a World-famous journal.
www.sookoo.com

LAMPAR n. male genitalia (vulgar)
This is a fundraising and event planning site. The founder is a guy called Ken L... (yes, really)
www.lampar.com

LAO-SAI n. diarrhoea
A Chinese company site that sells shoes, not as crap as the name suggests...
www.laosai.com

KA HOOT v.,n. bite seed
An innocent toy store... with two eyes popping out of a chest... (see it to believe it)
www.kahoot.com

Can you find any other Hokki-sites?

Sisuahlai.

Dog-eating blindness

CHE-MEH adj. blind

You must read The Star's Man who ate dog suffers blurred vision. Talking about being economical with space; there are two seperate, completely unrelated news in one article!

The article began with an enraged Indian farmer, who discovered that his meal had been knocked down by a dog.

The dog was then beaten to death. Still unhappy with the dead dog, he then cooked it and ate it.

Perhaps regretting his action and the possible repercussion from the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals, he started vomiting and having diarrhoea. His vision then started to deteriorate and his arms and legs became weak.

Being the national sensationalist tabloid, the newspaper concluded that eating dog meat must have caused his blurred vision; when most readers can quickly point out a better explanation. The diarrhoea and vomiting must have been so severe, the generous fluid loss therefore must have depleted this poor fellow a healthy, adequate blood circulation to the brain. Therefore compromising his vision. But never mind that, boring scientific explanation... let's go with the headline: A 21-YEAR-OLD man's vision mysteriously deteriorated after he ate a dog that he killed in a fit of anger.

That will sell newspapers...

Oh, not forgetting the second news. It was about the drop in the wholesale prices of vegetables. Nobody reads that, so why not bundle it in with the dog-eating blindness news... why not.

Sisuahlai.

Eat me and I promise you'll go blind...

Kei-si

KEI-SI adj. cool

The stolen script from the Malaysian-Russian Joint Space Project:

In the event of a successful space launch and when the Russians say that you are in Official Space Territory, you, Mr *******, the first Malaysian in Space, must read the following:

Malaysia Boleh! Malaysia Boleh! We did it! I must thank the Yang Amat Berhormat Malaysian Prime Minister, the Rakyat and my family for giving me this golden opportunity. My success is a team success. My team is Malaysia. Malaysia boleh. (Now look at the Russian cosmonauts and say the previous sentences, in Russian, but add the following...) The Russian Space Agency has given me such an excellent Space training. We will not succeed without their help. Spasibo. Spasibo.

In the event of a failed launch, you must then read the following:

I am held against my will in foreign territory. I have been given inadequate preparation, and all the buttons here are written in Russian. But like Hang Tuah, I won't despair, I will randomly press all buttons and hopefully my luck and your prayers will get me out of trouble.

Ok, I made that up. But every astronaut should have an alternative script.

Malaysia Boleh. Sisuahleh.

Do you want to be Malaysian First Astronaut?

KAM-SIA n. thank you

Read 'em and weep on The Star: Malaysians are another step closer to knowing who their first astronaut will be after the final four were announced yesterday.

DO I REALLY WANT TO BE MALAYSIAN FIRST ASTRONAUT?

Well, it depends...

Do I have to:

(1) Fly in an untested Malaysian-made spaceship?

(2) Share the same sleeping bunk with a group of Russian cosmonauts?

(3) Eat Maggi Mee for 6 months?

Well, quite honestly, questions (1)-(3) are irrelevant if I automatically become a Datuk on my safe return...



I want to be Malaysian First Astronaut!!! Datuk Sisuahlai. Kam-sia, kam-sia.

Bo lat

BO adv. no
LAT n. energy

Have you ever come home one evening and wished you were still at work? Sisuahlai came home one evening and was greeted with...

£1226.67 bill! Bo lat, bo lat. So much for living in London and winning the Olympics bid...

Winning the Olympics bid is not everything... Paris deserved it more!

Sisuahlai. Or better, give it to Kuching.

(Sisuahlai now turns to The Star Online for entertainment and amusement... and keeps looking at his ticket back to Kuching)

Mak yong ku yong

HOW-SIAW adj. fantasy

The Star Online reports: Mak yong all right minus the fantasy

Kelantan will lift the ban on the mak yong dance if performers conform to Islamic guidelines, said state Local Government Committee chairman Takiyuddin Hassan. He said the dance was banned because the script featured an element of fantasy, which was unIslamic.

Sisuahlai says that there must not be any double standards. The same, strict rules should apply to Hollywood and George Lucas imports.

Nationwide ban should therefore include:

(1) Star Wars movies (JEDI force is an element of FANTASY)
(2) Spiderman movies (you cannot suspend yourself just by throwing web into the sky - FANTASY!)
(3) X-men movies (mutants by definition shouldn't and can never be sexy, but X-men movies try to contradict that.... FANTASY!)
(4) Lord of the Rings movies (if Brokeback Mountain is banned then the gay scene near the ending of the final LOTR movie should also be censored)

Please NO DOUBLE STANDARDS. Sisuahlai.


Sponsored by Cafepress "SISUAHLAI OFFICIAL MERCHANDISE AGENT"

Chiak Lat Again

CHIAK v. Eat
LAT adj. Power
(more examples of usage)

Chiak means eat (like I said before), and Lat means power or strength. Together they mean eat power. What? Yes, eat power is an important everyday Hokkien phrase.

Examples of usage:

(1) My daughther is going out with that chiak lat guy! I am so worried. The guy actually tells her that wearing very short skirt is a sign of confidence.

(2) Chiak lat man! You told the Indonesian Malay couple that bak kut teh is goat meat. They keep coming back for more. This is so wrong.

(3) My in-laws are coming to town, have to take them to Cultural Village and Museum. This is the second time this year. Damn chiak lat.

Chiak lat in (1) and (2) clearly denote being in trouble, but (3) implies hard, troublesome work.

Sisuahlai.

Kek-kin

KEK-KIN adj. repressed rage

I could not negotiate a better deal with the previous T-shirt manufacturer! So I have now moved shop...

The products are better priced on this trusted Sisuahlai merchandise site, Cafepress.

Sisuahlai khoo (squat).

You can find the Sisuahlai Merchandise lelong on http://www.cafepress.com/sisuahlai.

Kek! Merchandising goes crazy

KEK v. squeeze

This is an interesting Hokkien word. Kek, pronounced kay-k, means to squeeze. It is an emotive term, it is seldom used in a literal way, although this is what you do when you are constipated.

It describes a frustrated feeling, when you cannot vent and say what's on your mind. Like living in fear of being banned and isolated under the Internal Security Act.

But it also describes a losing feeling, when someone or something precious is snatched from right under your nose, and the new owner parades this stolen acquisition in front of a powerless you. Like losing a beautiful, sexy girlfriend to an older guy from an arch-rival school. Ouch.

Similar feeling: TU-LAHN.

Don't kek your feeling any longer, buy this comfort T-shirt and show your real emotion...


Retail price: RM130 (cost price). Damn expensive! Kek-sim. If you are undeterred by the price, mail your purchase request to sisuahlai@googlemail.com.

Photo opportunity

MUI v. ask

An e-mailer asks, "Please show yourself."

"You should self-publicise and take the photo opportunity."

Sisuahlai shakes his head.

This is not photo opportunity.

This is PHOTO OPPORTUNITY.

Sisuahlai.

BONUS BLOG:

Yesterday's STAR ONLINE: Tourist jailed over fake US bills

A Nigerian tourist who used counterfeit US$100 bills to pay for drinks and taxi fare in Singapore was jailed for seven years. He was nabbed after one of his victims, a taxi driver, spotted him three weeks after being passed a forged note. The Nigerian admitted in court using counterfeit notes to pay the driver and his bar tab at several establishments in January.

How to spot a counterfeit US$100 in an instant...

Did you spot it?

"Entry ticket: YOU HAVE QUALIFIED FOR THE NEXT STAGE OF AMERICAN IDOL 2006."

Lau-kui

LAU-KUI adj. embarrassing

Deputy Prime Minister Datuk Seri Najib Tun Razak said, "Malaysia will go ahead with the Johor Straits bridge project and hopes that the republic will do the same". He said Singapore could build its part of the bridge to “link up” later. Read 'em and weep on Star Online.

Sisuahlai asks, "How?"

How do you build a bridge if the other side does not agree with the plan?

“We will proceed with the scenic bridge and at the same time hope that talks with the Singapore government will bear fruit so that they can link up with us on their side,” Najib said.

What?!

Najib continued, “Even if we have already technically started work on the scenic bridge, Singapore can still take part in the project.”

Help me out here. How? How do you have "half a bridge"?

In January, Malaysia said it was going ahead with the bridge after talks between the two countries had dragged on without any conclusion. Meanwhile, Bernama reported that Singapore was sending a third party note to Malaysia seeking clarification over a report that “Malaysia had symbolically” launched construction works on the bridge.

Sisuahlai's message to the government: GET AN AGREEMENT FIRST BEFORE BUILDING A BRIDGE, otherwise...

Sisuahlai offers one tip for settling a conflict: paper, scissors or stone.

Yok

YOK n. medicine

A very good friend e-mailed this. I believe the retail price for this medicine is quite astronomical. I will check with the local pharmacist...

Sisuahlai.

Podcast plug: If you haven't heard about this phenomenon... Karl Pilkington believes that because jellyfish are 97% water, we should "give 'em another three percent and make 'em water - it's more useful".

Hu

HU v. fawn, bootlick (vulgar use, as in hu lamp--)

No need to hu Sisuahlai la.

BONUS BLOG:

Sisuahlai in his quiet London home... flicking through the SKY channels... and

Who doesn't love America?

Two examiners in the test car: Am I missing the point?

SERNG-SERNG n. play-play, not taking it seriously

On Friday, a female 18-year-old learner driver claimed that a male examiner held her hands and touched her shoulders and breasts during the on-the-road test. (Read Sisuahlai's favourite tabloid: The Star)

The Malaysian Transport Ministry then announced that they are now considering having a second Road Transport Department (JPJ) examiner in the car during the driving test segment following that alleged molest incident.

Erm, how would this address the original problem? By having two male examiners in the test car instead of one?

So is the female learner driver expected to feel safer, now that there are two male strangers in the car?

A truly wonderful logic from the Kerajaan.

Thankfully, Datuk Seri Chan Kong Choy , the MCA deputy president, saved the day and came out with this solution : The Transport Ministry was also looking into the possibility of training more female JPJ examiners to test female candidates.

Like that more like it, la.

Sisuahlai wants to help the Ministry. These are some ideas from a 2-minute brainstorm session:
(1) Install video camera and microphone in the test car.

(2) Hiring certified Ah Kuas to be examiners.

(3) If a female learner driver does not wish to be touched by examiner, say so in a special form. Like that everyone knows. Because some struggling learner drivers may want to flirt with examiners. So touching should be optional. ---- JUST JOKING!

Sisuahlai play-play. But molesting people, no play-play.

DISCLAIMER: Sisuahlai does not condone teng-ko (remove pants) strategy.

Lelong

LELONG v. bargain selling
PAI-KIA n. gangster

BBC Online reports: £53m was stolen from a used-money depot in February 2006, making it UK's biggest cash robbery.

Now, seriously, how would you distribute such a large sum of money without being detected? Not so clever now, huh?

There must be a solution...

I see, Ebay, what a gangster idea!

Tomorrow, it will be Sisuahlai's turn to lelong a stolen item. Stay tuned.

BONUS BLOG:

An example of lelong usage:

Ah Chee: I damn fed-dup with my car. Little bit rain, little bit cold, sure the engine cannot start.

Ah Meng: Like that just lelong your car.

Ah Chee: What? You want me to lelong the car after all the trouble I went through to get the car. Contact the KL dealer, contact this person, contact that person.

Ah Meng: Then stop complaining.

Ah Chee: Cannot complain is it? Little bit complain already want me to lelong. Heard you complain about your Missus, then why don't you lelong your wife?

Ah Meng: (took out handphone and dialled pai-kia)

Ah Chee: Sorry sorry. Didn't mean to insult your Missus.

Too late. Pai-kia on his way. Ah Chee left Kuching. Lesson: Never insult a Kuching man with a pai-kia contact.

Sisuahlai.

How not to keep a secret

KUA LU BEI KEE v.,n.,adj.,adj. "see you no up" (this is not a vulgar term), means looking at someone disdainfully, with a high-hat, patronising manner

The Star brought us this special report, a few years after we all know the truth. It proudly claims: Malaysian's pop darling Siti Nurhaliza has finally admitted it - there is someone special in her life.



And that special someone, The Star continues, is a local businessman, only known as Datuk K.

"Yes, I am seeing someone right now," Siti said, in response to questions from the media, which had linked her romantically with a local businessman known only as "Datuk K".

What? Datuk K? Is that a Malaysian secret agent? Why can't you just give us the name?

By revealing the name, are you going to disappoint all Malaysian men and ultimately affect your readership? Or was there a legal threat?

But Sisuahlai admires how The Star just slipped a name, in the same article, without directly implicating the person. So it thinks.

But Siti had tongues wagging during a charity event, also last week, when she and Ace Group chairman Datuk Khalid Mohd Jiwa came in matching outfits. Khalid wore a purple batik shirt while Siti was glowing in a purple gown complemented by purple orchids in her hair.

I wonder who this mysterious Datuk K is now, hmm...

Datuk Sisuahlai wants to thank The Star for this patronising, kua lu bei kee article. What a delicious blog material!

Amazing

KIANG adj. clever (pronounced kee-ah-ng)

BONUS BLOG:

Sisuahlai says...
Knowledge and intelligence are two distinctive entities.

You can have one without the other.

Or worse, you can have neither.



Sisuahlai kei-kiang.

80 per cent of Malaysian women lack sexual desire

SI-LO n. dead! (a Hokkien expression of astonishment! Pronounced see-low)

About time that Malaysian New Straits Times receives the Sisuahlai treatment. Their crime? For publishing this article: Marriage? No Way! 80 per cent of Malaysian women will wait after 30, says survey.


A survey of 200 women professionals by the University of Malaya’s Centre for Family Development (UMCFD) showed that 80 per cent of them, between the ages of 25 and 40, prefer to marry after 30 or not at all.

The finding was hardly surprising given the competitive nature of professionals, but the surprising finding was what some experts had to say about this.

UMCFD director Professor Dr Abdul Rahim Abdul Rashid said:

Our survey shows that sexual desire in professional women is rather low.

What? How did he come to that conclusion? Was it a sex survey?

Unembarrassed, oblivious, the Prof went on:

As everyone knows, there are more women in institutions of higher learning than men. So naturally there are fewer professional men than women, which is another problem. The practical thing would seem to be to allow professional men to marry more than one, but this would definitely not be a good solution.

I know I have some difficulty with my hearing sometimes, but what? Did Prof really say "The practical thing would seem to be to allow professional men to marry more than one"?

At this point, I could not bear to read any further.

But for the sake of this blog, I bit the bullet and read on...

Another expert offered his reasons. He was determined not to be out-done by Prof Rahim.

Hushim Salleh, a University Malaya lecturer (aka lecturer of Pseudo-reasoning and Irony) and counsellor, provided the following inspirational piece:

Women were not interested in marrying because "men of quality" were lacking in the country.

Sisuahlai's jaw is now very close to the floor (ok, he has a long jaw to begin with). I took a long deep breath and read on:

Many men now are involved in drugs and are gay or soft. I do marriage counselling and 80 women have registered with me to help them find husbands, but only three men registered to find wives. Parents must bring up their male children properly and ensure they did not engage in "disruptive gender activities.

Gasp! Sisuahlai died.

NST, are you competing with The Star for the Malaysian (Nonsense) Enquirer title?

Oscar Evening

CHO-HEE v. to act (pronounced ch as in chalk)

Sisuahlai reads BBC Online: Oscars excitement grips Hollywood

The whole world watch as movie celebrities parade themselves in Hollywood. Celebrity culture is honoured, and the Oscar winners go away prouder and richer.

Sisuahlai's Oscar Winner: F***** Cowboys

Good luck to all Oscar nominees (like any of them read this).

Sisuahlai.

BONUS BLOG:

I really adore celebrities. They can be so charitable.

Bono: I feel a bit of a fraud, a bit of a loser, because we are not winning in the war against Aids. So when you spend up to £5,000 in any year on Red Amex, we transfer 1% of that spend to Global Fund-financed programs in Africa which positively impact the lives of women and children affected by HIV/AIDS.

Press: How about 1% from every album and work you've sold?

B: What?

Sisuahlai has RM30, should he buy a U2 album or give it to charity?